A Psalm by Liesl Grant
My mind is in turmoil, and my thoughts are continuously spinning out of control. I press in to regain control only to be lost deeper into confusion, anxiety, and this emptiness I can’t quite grasp.
Joy is distant now. Only a small glimmer of my past. I desire it back so deeply. Crying out to God to relieve me, to calm my anxious spirit. I pray continuously, trying to find hope in Him. But my cries disappear into a void. I hear no answer, I feel no relief, and my hope fades. I want to know God’s presence again – to know His goodness and love – but week after week passes, I’m still waiting, and it hurts terribly.
In impatience and pride, I’ve given up. Turning all my senses to focus on anything besides God’s silence. I deny that I care so deeply only for myself. I can’t see how much I care for others’ opinions or for self-glorification. I am full of anger towards God.
As months pass by, apathy towards God takes over my days. I silence my prayers and close my Bible. It’s easier to give up.
Yet deep down, my spirit yearns for its creator. The truths I suppress push back to make themselves known.
I am tired – so very tired. I can't go on alone. Lord, where are you? I can’t see you you!!! If it’s my darkest sin I must see, show it to me now. I’ve waited for a year for your answer. I’ve turned to my own abilities but to no avail. Please, God, I so desperately need you. Renew your spirit in me.
My hands are shaking. There it is – the sin I’ve been so blind to: my deep selfishness and my self-image, my identity in my work. To name it specifically, the praise of people for what I can do.
Immediately, I want to minimize it, but then the pain it has caused is laid before me. The people I have blamed turned to people I have wronged.
I can hardly believe it. Looking up, I see His face; it’s shining with grace and forgiveness. I see His arms; they are beckoning me. I hear His voice – His glorious and gentle voice; He is calling me back. Though I yelled at him in anger and accused him of abandonment, though I belittled His title of “God,” yet He still is forgiving me.
My body hurts through and through. Oh, how I have wronged my Savior! I run towards Him, falling at his feet. He lifts me up.
Some time has passed. For the first time in months, I open His word. The pages unfold before me, revealing hope and encouragement I could not see before.
Praise to God! He never left me! He has always been holding on to me.
My sins are still beyond what I can count. Oh Lord, continue to wash me clean.
Create in me a pure heart.
Renew a steadfast spirit in me.
Show me your paths.
Do not let me wander alone.
Restore a joyous spirit and a praising heart within me.
Music begins to play, and an overbearing desire to sing envelopes me. It has been so long since your praise has left my lips. God, you are so good!
Anxiety is ever trying to to attack. I turn my anxious thoughts to prayers. Peace overflows!
Before me, lay the mountains. I am overwhelmed by your power and might. You assure me you love me! Though you are God, you never stop considering me.
A rush of wind brushes over me. I can feel you again! Tears overflow my eyes; no longer tears of anger or self pity, but the tears of joy I used to so often cry. Let this praise always overwhelm me! Though trouble will always surround me, let me always look to you! God, you are so good!